I refuse to look after my disabled brother once my parents die – my family are so disappointed in me

A woman whose brother is severely disabled has been offered support after refusing to look after their disabled brother when their parents die. 

Writing into the Am It he A****** thread, the American woman explained that her 26-year-old brother is autistic and has the ‘mind of a ten year old’ – he can’t do much without his parents’ help.

Currently, his parents aid him with getting dressed, cleaned and ready, as well as any tasks and activities. 

Now, the sister explained that her parents want her to look after her sibling once they’re gone – however, the poster ‘refuses’ to give up their career and are unsure of whether they’re in the wrong for this.

After asking others for their opinions on the decision, the sister was flooded with support as many said their parents were ‘unfair’ to have such expectations of her. 

A Redditor has questioned whether they’re wrong for refusing to give up their career in order to become a full-time caregiver for their big brother, after their parents die

The anguished sibling revealed her parents had been in touch the previous week and asked for a chat about something.

When she met up with her mother and father, the parents explained they were writing their wills and needed to ‘get their affairs in order’.  

She explained her brother was severely autistic and almost non-verbal, only able to say a few words. As the parents begin to think about what will happen when they are no longer around, they explained their plan to their daughter.

The poster said: ‘If one of them were to die first then my brother will live with the lone parent part-time and a care home/assisted facility part-time to give the lone parent a break.

‘Then if the lone parent dies the plan is for my brother to come and live with me and they will set some sort of trust up so that each month whatever he is inherits goes into living costs.’

After learning about their parents’ plan, the person revealed they insisted ‘I’m not giving up my career to look after him’ and refused to take in their disabled sibling.

She added she does not have a close relationship with her brother and that to look after him would be a ‘massive burden’.

‘I voiced my reasoning to my parents and I thought they would be more understanding I basically feel he’s better off in a place where people can actually help him and know what they’re doing – I’m just not prepared to give up my career or anything for him,’ she said.

The Redditor also told her parents she’s ‘more than happy’ to to give up their half of her inheritance so the money can go on ‘making sure he’s looked after’.

However, after explaining their reasoning, she claimed her parents were ‘upset’ and ‘disappointed’ – and asked other people for their opinions on the predicament. 

Many people thought the sister was absolutely in the right and shouldn’t be asked to give up her career for her brother.

One person wrote: ‘Your parents have plenty of time to research facilities and programs for your brother’s long term care. 

‘They also have time to set up a trust with trustees or guardian. To make sure no one is abusing the trust and misusing the money designated for your brother’s care, you may want to consider being one of the trustees. 

‘It’s unfair to expect you to pick up the pieces especially since your brother could be transitioning now when your parents are well and able to oversee his care.’ 

Another sympathetic Redditor added: ‘Their planning has no business including you. You are your own person, with your own life. Suddenly becoming a fulltime caregiver would be exhausting.

‘Your plan of giving up any inheritance is well thought out. Your brother would thrive in an assisted living environment. I have seen all of this before.

Someone familiar with this type of situation also added their input: ‘My 23-year-old son is autistic and I also have a 26-year-old non-special needs daughter who no longer lives at home.

‘I have made it quite clear to her that he will not have to come live with her down the line. 

‘She might be his legal representative but not his primary care giver. He is going to have to go live in a group home.’

Another added: ‘I know its family, but that’s their kid they decided to have. You were honest and upfront and let them know this was not something you wanted to be in charge of, I do not blame you at all!’ 

Others didn’t agree, with one user questioning: ‘How close are you with your brother? I would gladly take care of my brother for the rest of my life if this happened.’

Someone else said the Redditor may been ‘a bit harsh’ with their parents but adding that ‘the truth is often harsh, disappointing and hard to accept’.  

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